Brick Chest

There's a ghost that lingers with me
haunting dreams that I never..
could sleep through ...

Daytime I smile
walking through the sun rays
with out memories of you
to fog my day
 I can close my eyes knowing
you were never really there
I can go on pre-ten-ding.
  simplicity's my care

*
no I won't let you in
its easier to do alone.
I will fly away with no one
and land on my toes
because I said so,
because I said so.

It fell upon my chest,
like a brick hitting glass
shattering all the natural forces
of fate.. that ..I ..tried to resist.
 now there's lessons I learned
I'm faced with.
Love wasn't for me
a mistake I do regret.
done without doing
and certain not again.
 I could have,
should have listened,
 words were never, never enough
never, never ...who woulda thought.



no I won't let you in
its easier to do alone.
I will fly away with no one
and land on my toes

this song is as cold as the ice in my glass
but the ending, I promise
will be better then my past.

no I won't let you in
its easier to do alone.
I will fly away with no one
and land on my toes
because I said so,
because I said so.

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When I Kiss the Face of Love

When I Kiss the Face of Love | WritersCafe.org

A sense of softness speaks in moments
when I kiss the face of love
Occupying a thousand sunbeams
with a hint of ivory lace

I get lost in the corners of my thoughts
as they rush deep inside
Reflecting warmth to capture clouds
so they can no longer
Come near me

There is a place in my heart
that greets the breath
of the face of love
A million times I would inhale
the scent with no complaint

I delight in the mysteries and secrets
this breath so often tells
And etches within my soul
lovely memories that no words
Could ever take

Who's is it this time?

who's is it this time?

when I walked around,
pacing, thinking
‘there’s some sick way out of this’
it came to me.
I am here. in the present.
forgetting to breathe… I took a slow agonizing breath.
pause
I need to know that who ever you are out there.
that You have said my name in your head.
That I am not alone.
here.
now.
I know that I think and have thought.
there’s a million people.
running around in my brain.
pause
so my cheeks get hot.
thinking… gosh this world is empty.
but it only goes bare when I’m here…in my head
and it feels like everything else around me is going by, moving away from me.
that everyone forgets.
but it’s not okay, I’m not selfish and alone…
yet feeling failure, as if fallen behind…
such a tragedy
 pause
so tell me
say it.
just hello.
to me.
to someone.
because there’s no need to feel alone.
pause
let’s play house.
I am the mommy..
You be the daddy.
You will work hard. Love me and be satisfied that you picked a great woman.
and we will travel with each other and far from each other.
but no matter the distance we will love all the same.
these : thoughts from my day. night
end.

What my future holds....

what my future holds...

* I know 2012 wont wipe me out… I have a beautiful future ahead of me*my visualization…. I’ll someday have two or more beautiful babies haha and I’ll build a tree house-house! three stories high( I’ll paint it yellow), with a fourth on top,one room over looking the sea and place where I live around me. It’ll be my painting, meditation naked room where I go for me time.*I’m thinking tropical area*
I’ll have a garden, and surfboard/skateboard shaping room
beautiful gardens  and I’ll cook, have a hammock and be so happy… all the while writing a book :)- I’ll have chickens and a lama … some pups and a kitty
and hopefully an amazing husband who will love that I walk around half naked all day
I’ll travel and take my family. I want at least two boys maybe a girl…and more…maybe.I will take a million photos of my kids, let them explore everything! I will be the best mommy ever, un-conditional love. Someday
I will look at my husband everyday, appreciating everything around me that got us where we are. I will tell him I love him all the time, and I will be Honest. Faithful. Compassionate. Worthy of his love. and he will be worthy of mine.
This will be the perfect unending to my life.
I will teach my children that they are strong… No drug will fix their problem, No pain is too unbearable not to survive. That getting by is not an option, but prevailing is key. I want to love my children so they will know love.
I want my sons to know respect for woman, that a woman is a goddess and should be honored… but that a woman should have class, self respect and honor.
I want my daughter to know self-worth. That she is beautiful without boundaries, however, her beauty should be valued. She should walk with pride, and a humble heart. That a free spirit is okay, that being different is a gift!
My children will know how I grew up, they will know about my mom and her struggles. They will appreciate what they are given; home, clothes and food. And I will teach them that.
My husband may not understand me, but will love me. He will be active, adventurous with me. I want him to travel… with or without me. When we are apart from one another we will trust one another. I will love that he is independent. I will massage him when he is sore, and I will surprise him when he is least aware. I will try and be sexy for him.
I will do yoga, and slack line. I will hula hoop pregnant and do lots of headstands.
I wont be afraid of change, I will care for myself when I am ill. I will love my self,  and learn self worth. I will become a woman I am. I will respect and honor my body. I will forgive. I will be successful. I will be an amazing mother. I will forever ride my skateboard till I die. I will travel and explore. I will always think positive even when the most un-positive, I will be positive!

for a good couple of friends who are going through rough times...

The greatest irony of love: Loving the right person at the wrong time or having the wrong person when the time is right; finding out you love someone after that person walks out of your life. For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person. Some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fail not because of the absence of love, but because love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much, and the other was being loved too little. Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love, but to only discover that for them we are just for past times. While the one who truly loves us remains either your friend or a stranger.

When you think of your past love; you may view it as a failure; but when you find a new love, you view the past as a teacher. In the game of love, it doesn't really matter who won or who lost. What's important is that you know when to hold on and when to let go. You know that you love someone when you want him or her to be happy, even if their happiness means that you're not apart of it. Everything happens for a reason and for its best. If the person you love doesn't love you back, don't be afraid to love someone else again, for you'll never know unless you give it a try.

You'll never truly love a person, unless you risk for their love; love strives in hurting. If you don't get hurt, then you won't learn how to love. Love doesn't hurt all the time; though the hurting is there to test you, to help you grow. Don't find love, let love find you; that's why it's called falling in love, because you don't need to force yourself to love, you just fall. You cannot finish a book without closing the chapters. If you want to move on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages.

Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. But why is it that the greatest irony of love is letting go when you want to hold on, and holding on when you need to let go? You can never find the right person if you can never let it go of the wrong, but at the same time the moment you feel like letting go, you remember why you held on for so long. Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.
To love is to risk rejection, to live is to risk dying and to hope is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing at all. To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose your true self. To love is to risk not being loved in return.

How to define love: Fall but do not stumble. Be constant but not too persistent. Share and never be unfair. Understand and try not to demand. Hurt but never keep the pain.
Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. It should inspire you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end. Loving people means giving them the freedom; whom they choose to be and where they choose to go. Loving someone means giving them the freedom to find their way, whether it leads towards you or away from you.

Love can be a painful risk. To love means that risk must be taken, no matter how scary or painful, for only then will you experience the fullness of humanity of what we call love. If you're not ready to cry, if you're not ready to take the risk and if you're not ready to feel the pain, then you're not ready to fall in love.

"We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and -- in spite of True Romance magazines -- we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely -- at least, not all the time -- but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness."
— Hunter S. Thompson (The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman 1955-67)

meow

Stuck

Here I am,
stuck.
I’m fucked.
Every bone trying to move.
but I’m stuck.
I can hear the clock ticking.
The kitten licking my toes… But when I kick…
I’m stuck. Paralyzed
so I hold my breath…hoping for the miracle of movement.

Didn’t remember why I went on that walk.
I was so alone and just craving to be held or loved.
I started running. I was barefoot… in my shorts…
the harder I ran the more the twigs scraped against what was once
soft, smooth skin… now they are cut.
I kept running. feeling branches breaking under my feet…
It didn’t hurt…my head was nowhere
my lungs bursting, hips cramping, and legs twitching with desire to leave… escape
Where were my questions coming from.
the past was gone therefore it was time to move.
But again… I was stuck. in a place I didn’t want to be.
If running wasn’t the answer it didn’t matter.
I’d rather loose my breath from leaving, then loosing my nerve.
I was there in the bathroom shaking.
tears pouring down hard, as if a child was in complete anger and frustration.
I had screwed up, without trying.
I can move now.
My left hand is twitching, my hard pounds as I begin to wiggle my fingers…
I can feel the life slowly creeping back into me.
end.

big clouds at 75

they walked to the top.
holding hands, feeling completely safe.
her body started to shake but she resisted.
They were at the top.
after traveling so many miles, so many years.
they made it. closing their eyes.
spreading their arms as far as arms could reach…
the wind was to the back… the sea was below crashing hard
but oh so clear so you could see the bare sand underneath.
no one could have imagined they would make this journey.
To the end, she hoped and prayed, every day of her life.
and finally, at 75… with her aged beautiful,soft hands
in twined with his rough,strong hands they made it.
They kissed. ready to set forth on another journey…
one she had dreamed of as a little girl…
her toes inched forward and he tried to hold on to her for as long as she would let him.
her eyes closed.
hands relaxed.
lips curled into a ‘rose’ perfect smile.
and she jumped off…
as he watched with happiness, his heart began to race,
seeing no use in a life without this perfect being in front of him…
so as she did…
his eyes closed.
hands relaxed.
he pushed off the cliff, rocks falling below but he caught her hands pulled her to him in mid air kissing her once more.
They were off like angels, flying into the clouds…
never to be seen again.
that is love.
that is life.
the end.