moving trail

boiling to the rim,
dripping to the bottom,
echoing constantly
beating in my ear drums.
my head seems boggled
craving for more,
desiring enrichment, stimulation!
the major cardiac muscle,
working a hundred times harder then it's ever known
this axis in my world,
spinning too fast.
My pace, I know , I can't keep up.
I procrastinate, I break down,
I'm in ruins of everything I've loved or once had.
Some way I come up...
Fighting back for my air,.
striving for my stability once more.
I jump, squeal, become over excited,
over anticipate what's to come.
My negatives are well shown and known...
and that be so, I stay misunderstood.
It's all in the wellness of my heart.
I only strive to be, the being that I am.

I hold expectations higher then my head can hold.
Then shot down by but the realization that my
perspective has taken me to believe something false once more

I am only human. but I am a divine one.
I am just me, But I am on a journey,
that only I can travel.
Love, Money, Home, and what ever else life brings me.
I will appreciate all these new travels.
:)

interesting perfect day

I'm with Lo all day today. It always seems to be a perfect day when I'm with my girlfriends lately! Today I needed this, this open, free mind. I am still reflecting on my heart and hows its stuck in one spot. But today I felt I could breathe. It seems my constant focus on this break has really made a difference in my personality. I'm coming back though... I still miss... never mind. Lo seems so open with everything me, and I can open up completely. I really appreciate time with her and respect her. I'm always happy, giggling and when sad she knows the perfect things to say, or she gets me off my butt!!!! <him> there's that certain void I still have and can't rid. It just doesn't feel right without <  > so... I pretend and breathe when I start to think, meditate on the beach or in my head and rid every thought. When I get a text I try to ignore, showing him that like he asked I'll keep the "staying in touch" to a minimal. There's no way to describe this. I'm getting back on to my feet, back into my head instead of my heart and learning that time tells all.

           My grandma seems to be my guardian angel!!! When she sends me letters, there's always an article cut out of the paper... she makes sure it pertains to my life. Not only that but she never stops praying for me. Always telling me how amazing I am, even when I feel I'm at my worst. She always smells so, grandma-ey, Always has the most heartfelt advice and has never stopped loving me. I truly appreciate her.

her smell, her love everything was perfect on those good days.

  ^ My grandma, Mom and Older sister Abby
<My mom age 21

Mommy and Me

My Grandpa and mom

Mommy Helping me walk

Mom pregnant with Abby

I have this emptiness inside me, the same one I have always had since I was little.

I still cry and pray for my mommy to come swoop me into her warm loving arms, the unforgotten smell, and her soft hands.

I still wait for her to cuddle with me.

Her hair was always perfect. This blonde 80's crowne that she rocked, she always looked so pretty.

I still vaguly hear her call me, "mandy. my baby... my moomoo"

I color like she does, with the cut out hearts and then spaz, bright colors bursting from the center, so when you remove the cute out... its a white heart surrounded by bursts, but with a clear perfect center.

I write like she does, big swoops with any long letters. I always though her writing was so elegant, here y's were my favorite... or the way she would write my name on her letters " Mandy Moomoo" and sign " your Mommy".

I have this arch in my foot, my dance arch I call it. My feet look just has beautiful as hers did. And when I paint my toes they look so neat. She used to kiss each toe after my baths and tell me how hard I danced and worked for keep them strong, "They are beautiful perfect piglets... this little pigey...." and so on.

I close my eyes in the shower and Imagine she's washing my hair again. She was so careful not to get soap in my eyes, Always used Paul Mitchell, No tears, as to make sure if it did get in my eyes... No sting:)

My wrists, fingers, and hands resemble hers... long, petite, and again elegant.

That word fits her. Elegant. On those clear memories, sober days... she was so beautiful, graceful, loving, constantly affectionate, and very, very ....

I miss her. She would dance in the living room, blasting Eurymthics, Bob Marley, Madonna... several more I remember but those were her favs... She would mop the floors and just giggle, throwing us down on the carpet spilling the bucket and we'd pretend like we were swimming. When we'd do laundry she'd plop me on top the washer or dryer and sing, making up songs... and then we'd make chocolate milk... when sh'ed turn around I would dump extra chocolate in mine, then feel bad and pour some in hers.

My older sister and I would sneak downstairs in the middle of the night. Abby(my older sister of 8 years) would push me onto the counter to get to the highest cabinet to grab the bacon-bits. My mom would always try to hide'em but Abby and I would always find the secret spot.

I remember my mom had her favorite China cabinet. She stored inherited tea cups, from Nana. She collected Wheaties boxes, her favorite was the one of Michel Jordan on the box. and she had my baby shoes in there too as well as a photo of my sister when she was a baby.

I loved looking on the walls seeing all her modeling shots. She did everything from legs & hands to Head-shots and regular beautiful classy modeling.
I really admired my mom when I was little, now I have to dig for those memories, those ones I craved so hard to never forget. I still smell her, hear her, feel her, and most miss the fact that she could pull her self together a day or two and become a real mommy.
And though I speak of how I had a rough childhood, I would NEVER trade those good days. I had a mommy...

when I went to live with my dad, I was 8, I picked up a habit of sleeping with my mommy and daddy's shirts. I felt safe when I had them, invincible and secure. It started because the smell never left the shirt for some reason. The shirts went with me everywhere and I felt like I could carry mommy and daddy with me and we were a family. Not sure if it was all in my head or just the powerful nose of a little girl.  But I held on to her shirt for years, my dad took his back... I'm gonna go through my boxes and look for her shirt... maybe I can still smell her... I hope.

Lately I have one shirt that isn't my dad's or my mom's, But I feel safe again, and it helps ease me to sleep with no nightmares... I know alot of people may read this part and think how I should let go and grow up... but I guess if that were the case then... why does anyone still hold on to anything from their youth? Is it because it secures you? reminds you? comforts you? whatever your reason forget what anyone tells you, never loose that piece of your cherished childhood. You'll ALWAYS come back to it.
... i miss you mommy & daddy.

trapped

standing there, water falling on my body, I feel like everything is in slow motion
I can't tell whether to move from this place in my head or let it repeat over and over,
It seems I've come to a stand point in my life. I want to begin!
I want to experience. I want life!!!!

For the time being I need to push to find  uncharted everything!

search button

there's nothing about a feeling,so empty
the one you see in his face
he's trapped, his heart no longer in place
better a feeling, the let go
he's free again, that void in your chest
it forces for a filling, breathe slow.

oh baby our stars out tonight
make the wish we used to make
keep me forever, dont give up the fight...
Im trying keeping you still in my mind

youre name pops up my phone
youre writing once i'm outta town,
i really do enjoy this tone
it keeps me sane for you to stick around
noone does me like you do,
it's just right, it's just right

gooodnight, with stars on
sweet dreams, dont do me wrong
With stars on

you, you, you, Youre the one I need
and now i, i , i  I have no place for  anybody
but you... ( noone new )

oh baby our stars out tonight
make the wish we used to make
keep me forever, dont give up the fight...
Im trying keeping you still in my mind

gooodnight, with stars on
sweet dreams, dont do me wrong
With stars on

To be discovered...

\

This thurs had a huge effect on my life. It was a photoshoot for Polaroid, once in a lifetime oppurtunity.

A Blessing to meet new people, start a pathway, finding a new talent, and discovering my new adventures. I realized how strong my heart is, my will to get what I need done. I am able to bare walking away and understand a point in life...

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.” 

 This Thurs brought me so much joy, and fulfillment.

My girls day!

Hermanos Inglesos feat. MeMe - Wanderland

Tough day

I miss the boat at the dock,
rocking me to sleep
now all I dream to,
is dreaming of you breathe.
I miss the sunlight,
awakening my eyes
you were always right there by my side.

My heart still misses you
but my head understands.
Hearing your voice doesn't help pain
but I can't push away.
I need you now, just like I wanted you then
and life has given me blessings
but I don't want another man.

I miss you, as each day fly's by
They said I would get better
but I'm still asking why.
I miss you.

Ingrid Michaelson "Be OK"

Little hands

That tiny voice  "pweeeease" spitting out those words with her chubby lips begging for one more cracker.
He's running! Actually running... to me! Into my arms and I feel his tiny body leap in to my arms! It's been 2 years since these two have entered the world.
                                     They are so curious... so clumsy... so free... so adventurous and unafraid.
                                     Someday when I have little ones I want them to explore the way Marin and Evan do.
                                     These two have inspired me to return to my ways of uncharted waters,
                                     To stay spontanious, run amuck, laugh so hard, and just live!

I don't believe people realize the extent children lives lead. We as grown adults believe they are learning so much from us, which yes they are, but in a sense they are here to teach us! To let us explore, get dirty, giggle again at silly things. I love that about being a nanny and babysitter. To return to my innocence of a loving, forgiving world.

I plan to wait till my 30's for babies. I'm excited for that chapter but till then nanny-ing is teaching me so much. Patience, maturity, forgiveness, appreciation, etc. I feel so blessed to have this talent with children. I plan to explore my life a little more for sake that someday I can teach my little ones about this big world. How precious it is for them to learn with me. I can watch through their eyes as well as in my own. Create a human being of love and courage. I was raised with a tough child hood so when that time comes it will be my chance to be a better mommy, to show an example of a healthy, stable, supportive lifestyle. I will be better then my mom and I will learn from my dad's mistakes. I will be disciplined yet understanding, a great mommy. For now I'm aunty MJ(mandy) or nanymandy :)