Louis Armstrong - what a wonderful world

in tribute to my grandpa. I love you!

Heavy in your arms, I'll build my strength
to pull you back to my level, How heavy do I feel
but someway you just never let go.
I left my imprint on that void you try to fill.

no matter the test you try on your self,
turn the lights off pretend your alone with me in your bed
you move your hand beside where I would lay hoping you'll still feel my warmth again
that was your favorite.
you can not run but you wont return.
your heart beats to the melody of my voice
you're addicted to my love and I breathe yours.
 but I walked away for the last time.

I dont own a review mirror so when you wait for me to turn around
come running home to you
I'll have to circle the world.

You're addicted to my love, and its a game
your the cat and I'm your mouse,
prying on me, waiting for me to come back to your claw.

I was heavy, a heavy load to carry and now I've lost that load, you miss your strength you had with me
My love is concrete and you drop me in the ocean, there to watch me drown. I'm heavy in your arms
carrying me to breathe... but it's too late.
this love has entered every pore, and I'm gone with your sea.
This heavy heavy load...
I'll look back down to you, carrying this load to the sky for this is my confession... I will never feel like this again
this is my secret. you drowned me.



kinda morbid, kinda lovey... listening to an amazing woman who inspired these ideas for some new music. "Florence and the machine"
This inspired by true passion. peace n love mj

Do you ever feel like you can finally breathe because you just fully let go of what was weighing you down!.


god it feels goood

free as a bird, as they say

Assuming all else failed.

where would I go?

should I reincarnate... or simply erode away

to dust.

Pretend you have a choice.

would you take back your faults?

letting go off advice,

instead of going with your gut

and just living. 

Depend on pure action.

have you thought back to something you haven't exceeded?

why haven't you just spent the last perfect amount on your ticket

flown to the part of the universe and lived, discovered.

you know you're going to be okay. 

you always are

you know you can always call one person, to say the least.

you know.

you know these things and yet you stop yourself.

you know. 

SO GO! GO AWAY! 

why are you so unsure?

breathe.

trust.

live.

be. 

once upon a time...

Love makes the wildest spirit tame,
and the tamest spirit wild....Alexis Delp.

she was patient with his words

careful with her mind.

there was a strong beating in her chest

she couldn't control

she tried to make it stop

she tried to ignore it

he was ...


what she imagined.
a perfect man.
he loved her.
broke her down
told her she will make it
let her know she was safe
even when he was gone.

It's funny now as she thinks back,
even the nights she wanted to leave.
he left, for good.
and she shakes herself awake at night
knowing her dreams are clearly misleading.
she's building a tolerance...
she's building a wall.
he was hers, and she is his.

she was everything he thought she was.
broke, abused, and corrupted.
she was everything he knew she was.
beautiful, worthy and growing...
coming out of her ugly
and starting her new.

this is why he left.
he taught her to love, she learned to be loved
she gave him strength to grow, he discovered more through her
then he could have ever imagined.



someday he looks back, seeing how much he discovers he loves her
she finds a man so in love with her, she's happy.
she's in love again.
however, a different love. one divine to last till his and her deaths.
but He... was and always will be the first.

the end.

spare. change.

there is this fine line between anxiety for what new is to come and ,

 what is separating what just ended.

it makes me uncomfortable, distant..

seemingly cold, or loosing interest.

this is, of course,Not the case.

For when I move on I feel I myself, may be growing.

but I fear that with that growth, my recent made love of friends or surroundings

will never be again. I choose to deflect feeling.

thinking its an easier goodbye process.

I change, become quiet, abnormally unfocused and spacey.

I begin to barricade myself, with loneliness. It seems I run a muck all day.

I spend most of the time with thoughts, my own to be preferred and no contact with anyone, or thing.

                  why do I choose such a lonely goodbye.

                  these types of goodbyes make it infinite, as if i will never see or be with my goodbye product.

                  Life as I know it, is going by much too fast

                  Only I can fix this.

                 My heart... nowhere NEAR ready for growth. 

                 My personality is altering insanely, I have never been described quiet, or shy.

     This week. I am quiet. Alone. Distant. and numb. 

                  Just another part of growth. change.

The Best days... of my LIFE!

sunshine man, dance this Jam!

This music, the feeling in my hips
the way i just move to it
feeling, relaxed...mm baby that groovy shit.
Good now, bring your arms up , over your head.
Girl you look great.
Move
Move
Move
Mmm that look he gives you. Who is hhheee?
hmmmmmm Dance. just do it, let loose, don't think!



can you do this? Just let go in front of the world? you're too shy huh?
Stop! Just let it flow,man... everything works out for me when I let go

I feel sexy. Confident. free. Desired. Sounds corny
But I almost feel like a.
G.O.D.D.E.S.S.
No worries. Walk in that room, shoulders back.

Don't let them fool you, they got their flaws. When those who use false judgements to you, know you got just as much love for them. Don't stress on bitter words that spill from false prophets... Don't worry about that, chit chat- crap!
Screw.em! do it. Shake those fine, curvy, sexy hips.
You look better smiling. You feel better smiling.
See you got it. If you let those words hit ya, then they gotcha.
Close your eyes now. Don't see em? good... MOVE, GROOVE. feel it!

FREE YOUR SELF FROM HATRED... LOVE. DANCE. LIVE. LOVE
YOU ARE AMAZING. BEAUTIFUL. You are different, let it SHOW BABAY!

to live numb

Digging into my eyes, piercing my chest
I breathe in hard, putting strength to a test
Dropping down into my eyes
A shield to protect against the illegalized
Its suttle and melting as my legs drift away
All pain and anger seems to delay
Do you feel this cloud overcome
To cover your lungs, to live numb
fingertips grip my cheeks to find my eyes
But I'm becoming relaxed releasing this disguise.

mr bluesea, give me back my surfboard!

Good Morning mr. Blue do tell Have you missed me,too?
Its been a long, long time, I do apologize
But if its alright, I'll make it up at sunrise.
You had me obessed from the beginning
You flowed through my veins all night
everytime I stepped right in, my chest it would squeeze so tight
I miss the way called for my name, or the salt you left upon my mane
Everytime I dropped right in, I felt weakness to your touch on my skin

Ive heard you got quite the power, a current noone can explain
Well today your swell is brewin, But I brought the perfect tool to tame
I take my board slap it down, ripples reflect round and round
Youre tide is pulling me farther in, my arms they overlap to a barrel I found

Take me away, cleanse all daily struggles from me
Teach me the waves,the ones I used to wait for everyday
Let me feel you, rush right through me
So many memories, You hold so dear to me

The Symbolic Meaning of the Lotus Flower

The Symbolic Meaning of the Lotus Flower

soul sisters

something in her voice, soothes my every pain.
I feel dead at times, and her air brings me to life.
she holds my heart, not my hand.
she speaks to my mind not my wants.
she knows me better then I could imagine.
she's my sister. Karin



Beautiful, in her wants for my success.
she helps when I'm ailed, no anger ever.
always holds my face and tells me I'm beautiful.
Her strength gives me more patience for my life to work out.
she's my sister. Ruby

thank you <3

unity trevor hall with matisyahu

Nikka Costa Push And Pull

Nikka Costa Push And Pull

golden feelings of escape and triumph

pulling
with already so much heavy on your shoulders
she's got alot to hold, so much to say
voice so tiny, a scream comes out a whisper

little hands, crawling for heaven
breathing hard, pushing back all those demons
now her hair falling in her eyes, hiding
mommy won't be there anymore
where does mommy go?
why didn't daddy come back?
they left and didn't return

little one, with her opened eyes
this shelter they call for her home
and she runs far far away, wondering where she'll end up
it's okay to tear up, don't break
don't break down

get up youre golden. girl
gripping for the last chance
your breathing getting stronger
your heart colder, head smarter
little one youre so aware
so naive
so little
crawl past that darkness
come home to where you know love waits
breathing heavier
no tears, strong girl
love love love breathing hard
you feel that mist of cold cold air
keep going keep crawling
youre at the light and it's hot on your sweet cheeks
your lips so pink and you're smiling
and giggling and the world is different
you escaped
you're golden
you're beautiful

it's okay that they aren't here. you got memories girl
beautiful memories. open that damned heart and feel


again, you can feel.

diamond eyes

all she sees
all the kindness they perceive, she holds hard to her heart

this velvet fur soft on my hands, only soothing what she cant fix
tiny creature so much love for someone.
Im my own stranger. my clunsy mistakes aren't here for learning
Im making them again

they shelter her from truth, now
but she'll find the truth behind closed doors, pressing her ears

a deeper path is meant to be found.
just needing love, just wanting that passion
open heart and free my mind, no thoughts too pure
open this road I have yet to see
a new gateway
push myself
start something give it a chance.
please

my Polaroid photoshoot review.

On Oct 13th I got on my first train ride from Newport Beach to Encinitas, on my way for a a whole new experience. I was chosen to be a model for the Polaroid new ad campaign. This was an unexpected blessing with no idea what was in store for me. From Encinitas I road tripped to Joshua Tree with photographer Dean Bradshaw and adventurist, new friend, Vanessa Stone. After driving through what looked like a deserted city with little life, We pulled up to a bright purple house. I walked through the gate and next thing I knew I was looking at six made-over, themed trailers and a crowd of hippies, and fashionistas. One by one, as the day went on, I began to meet and grow friendships with each person. Everyone with their own completely beautiful personality. I have never been around so many amazing people with such different lifestyles, yet all so positive like me! All the photographers had a different style and keen eye for what shot they needed. All the shoots were different; energetic running, hula hooping, group dancing, flirting, shooting bow and arrows, screaming, and every shot showing that each person had something beautiful and unique to show. It was an unimaginable experience that I would love to do again and again. It helped that it was so organized yet free spirited. Everyone choosing their own pose, person to shoot with, outfit and setting. This was defiantly worth while, and I couldn't be happier.. Can;t wait to see the shots around the world.- Mandyjane

Benenfits of Marijuana

Via: Medical Insurance

fool to you

im here heart broken, all i need lovin
cant you give me your damned heart
your the fool i figured out,

noone told all the promises that you made
keepen  and a hopen for you
it wasnt love that kept me true? ... to you

sang in a country fold sorta way :)

She & Him - You Really Got A Hold On Me

go go go

i fall in love, i fall back down
it's not the easiest when you're around
makes you angry to watch me leave
makes me sad being what i can't be

breathe slowly. respond to me
speak my words truthfully
you take them ungratefully
i still care. it's impossible to see
let's change this pattern, let's get up and leave

emptyness, not at my worst

a creeping feeling, a tip of my tongue I am biting back words
shaky hands, unrevealing endeavors unwrap themselves at the very last second
nothing makes sense, nor it need to.
breathing, blowing bubbles to feed the air my carbons

it's interesting.
word after word.
following, traveling, singing. it's okay to do so
don't lose your self tonight. tomorrow the sunlight will wake upon your soft cheeks

yo'ure a pretty girl <3

Good DAY! i said GOOD DAY

wow, what beautiful people. what handsome men and pretty women we all are. look past your flaws, and look past your yesterdays, today is the day we start positive lifestyles.

 Fill your life with Love, with compassion, move past your materials and push your selves to be selfless. 

Love every being, creature and this life around you. 

breathe in 1 2 3 4 hold 1 2 breathe out 1 2 3 4 hold 1 2, anad again.

 ♥ You are loved!

moving trail

boiling to the rim,
dripping to the bottom,
echoing constantly
beating in my ear drums.
my head seems boggled
craving for more,
desiring enrichment, stimulation!
the major cardiac muscle,
working a hundred times harder then it's ever known
this axis in my world,
spinning too fast.
My pace, I know , I can't keep up.
I procrastinate, I break down,
I'm in ruins of everything I've loved or once had.
Some way I come up...
Fighting back for my air,.
striving for my stability once more.
I jump, squeal, become over excited,
over anticipate what's to come.
My negatives are well shown and known...
and that be so, I stay misunderstood.
It's all in the wellness of my heart.
I only strive to be, the being that I am.

I hold expectations higher then my head can hold.
Then shot down by but the realization that my
perspective has taken me to believe something false once more

I am only human. but I am a divine one.
I am just me, But I am on a journey,
that only I can travel.
Love, Money, Home, and what ever else life brings me.
I will appreciate all these new travels.
:)

interesting perfect day

I'm with Lo all day today. It always seems to be a perfect day when I'm with my girlfriends lately! Today I needed this, this open, free mind. I am still reflecting on my heart and hows its stuck in one spot. But today I felt I could breathe. It seems my constant focus on this break has really made a difference in my personality. I'm coming back though... I still miss... never mind. Lo seems so open with everything me, and I can open up completely. I really appreciate time with her and respect her. I'm always happy, giggling and when sad she knows the perfect things to say, or she gets me off my butt!!!! <him> there's that certain void I still have and can't rid. It just doesn't feel right without <  > so... I pretend and breathe when I start to think, meditate on the beach or in my head and rid every thought. When I get a text I try to ignore, showing him that like he asked I'll keep the "staying in touch" to a minimal. There's no way to describe this. I'm getting back on to my feet, back into my head instead of my heart and learning that time tells all.

           My grandma seems to be my guardian angel!!! When she sends me letters, there's always an article cut out of the paper... she makes sure it pertains to my life. Not only that but she never stops praying for me. Always telling me how amazing I am, even when I feel I'm at my worst. She always smells so, grandma-ey, Always has the most heartfelt advice and has never stopped loving me. I truly appreciate her.

her smell, her love everything was perfect on those good days.

  ^ My grandma, Mom and Older sister Abby
<My mom age 21

Mommy and Me

My Grandpa and mom

Mommy Helping me walk

Mom pregnant with Abby

I have this emptiness inside me, the same one I have always had since I was little.

I still cry and pray for my mommy to come swoop me into her warm loving arms, the unforgotten smell, and her soft hands.

I still wait for her to cuddle with me.

Her hair was always perfect. This blonde 80's crowne that she rocked, she always looked so pretty.

I still vaguly hear her call me, "mandy. my baby... my moomoo"

I color like she does, with the cut out hearts and then spaz, bright colors bursting from the center, so when you remove the cute out... its a white heart surrounded by bursts, but with a clear perfect center.

I write like she does, big swoops with any long letters. I always though her writing was so elegant, here y's were my favorite... or the way she would write my name on her letters " Mandy Moomoo" and sign " your Mommy".

I have this arch in my foot, my dance arch I call it. My feet look just has beautiful as hers did. And when I paint my toes they look so neat. She used to kiss each toe after my baths and tell me how hard I danced and worked for keep them strong, "They are beautiful perfect piglets... this little pigey...." and so on.

I close my eyes in the shower and Imagine she's washing my hair again. She was so careful not to get soap in my eyes, Always used Paul Mitchell, No tears, as to make sure if it did get in my eyes... No sting:)

My wrists, fingers, and hands resemble hers... long, petite, and again elegant.

That word fits her. Elegant. On those clear memories, sober days... she was so beautiful, graceful, loving, constantly affectionate, and very, very ....

I miss her. She would dance in the living room, blasting Eurymthics, Bob Marley, Madonna... several more I remember but those were her favs... She would mop the floors and just giggle, throwing us down on the carpet spilling the bucket and we'd pretend like we were swimming. When we'd do laundry she'd plop me on top the washer or dryer and sing, making up songs... and then we'd make chocolate milk... when sh'ed turn around I would dump extra chocolate in mine, then feel bad and pour some in hers.

My older sister and I would sneak downstairs in the middle of the night. Abby(my older sister of 8 years) would push me onto the counter to get to the highest cabinet to grab the bacon-bits. My mom would always try to hide'em but Abby and I would always find the secret spot.

I remember my mom had her favorite China cabinet. She stored inherited tea cups, from Nana. She collected Wheaties boxes, her favorite was the one of Michel Jordan on the box. and she had my baby shoes in there too as well as a photo of my sister when she was a baby.

I loved looking on the walls seeing all her modeling shots. She did everything from legs & hands to Head-shots and regular beautiful classy modeling.
I really admired my mom when I was little, now I have to dig for those memories, those ones I craved so hard to never forget. I still smell her, hear her, feel her, and most miss the fact that she could pull her self together a day or two and become a real mommy.
And though I speak of how I had a rough childhood, I would NEVER trade those good days. I had a mommy...

when I went to live with my dad, I was 8, I picked up a habit of sleeping with my mommy and daddy's shirts. I felt safe when I had them, invincible and secure. It started because the smell never left the shirt for some reason. The shirts went with me everywhere and I felt like I could carry mommy and daddy with me and we were a family. Not sure if it was all in my head or just the powerful nose of a little girl.  But I held on to her shirt for years, my dad took his back... I'm gonna go through my boxes and look for her shirt... maybe I can still smell her... I hope.

Lately I have one shirt that isn't my dad's or my mom's, But I feel safe again, and it helps ease me to sleep with no nightmares... I know alot of people may read this part and think how I should let go and grow up... but I guess if that were the case then... why does anyone still hold on to anything from their youth? Is it because it secures you? reminds you? comforts you? whatever your reason forget what anyone tells you, never loose that piece of your cherished childhood. You'll ALWAYS come back to it.
... i miss you mommy & daddy.

trapped

standing there, water falling on my body, I feel like everything is in slow motion
I can't tell whether to move from this place in my head or let it repeat over and over,
It seems I've come to a stand point in my life. I want to begin!
I want to experience. I want life!!!!

For the time being I need to push to find  uncharted everything!

search button

there's nothing about a feeling,so empty
the one you see in his face
he's trapped, his heart no longer in place
better a feeling, the let go
he's free again, that void in your chest
it forces for a filling, breathe slow.

oh baby our stars out tonight
make the wish we used to make
keep me forever, dont give up the fight...
Im trying keeping you still in my mind

youre name pops up my phone
youre writing once i'm outta town,
i really do enjoy this tone
it keeps me sane for you to stick around
noone does me like you do,
it's just right, it's just right

gooodnight, with stars on
sweet dreams, dont do me wrong
With stars on

you, you, you, Youre the one I need
and now i, i , i  I have no place for  anybody
but you... ( noone new )

oh baby our stars out tonight
make the wish we used to make
keep me forever, dont give up the fight...
Im trying keeping you still in my mind

gooodnight, with stars on
sweet dreams, dont do me wrong
With stars on

To be discovered...

\

This thurs had a huge effect on my life. It was a photoshoot for Polaroid, once in a lifetime oppurtunity.

A Blessing to meet new people, start a pathway, finding a new talent, and discovering my new adventures. I realized how strong my heart is, my will to get what I need done. I am able to bare walking away and understand a point in life...

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.” 

 This Thurs brought me so much joy, and fulfillment.

My girls day!