when i get away...

theres the first thought when i wake,
that smell, still lingers on his shirt
that hope that my hand will reach that side of the pillow
and he'll be there.
just sometimes.

and other times I stand tall,
i feel water fall over my eyes, my hair dropping besides my cheeks and i feel strong
im alone and my feet are flat.
i stare at the grooves in which his hands used to rest
and i put mine there
knowing i will at least take his place.
just me

and everything is alright
i accept its gone
but then the storm sneaks upon me
clouding all Ive made strong and just pours down on me and washes away my strength

every time i go away i come back
i come back a little less.
i love.
i loved
i break
and i try to stay so far from returning.
and i get stuck
i run only so far away and then i get trapped again.
but i pull my boots out of the mud
ill run barefoot farther.
ill escape this pain.
i will not burden myself with this circle.
no expectations.